Alright, here it is. I’M BACK! In full force with a different perspective and a wider view with new visions and goals. I have grown immensely physically, mentally, and emotionally. Although all of these changes are quite true some changes however weren’t in the right direction.
November of 2016 I was a woman with authority a woman with power and fire. A woman who would always say YES to trying something new and taking on a new challenge with the hopes that it was going to help me to grow in all aspects of my life. Everything started happening so fast like a whirlwind of energy just came and swept me off my feet. Before I knew it I was meeting amazing entrepreneurs listening to positive affirmations, motivational speeches, making new friends and most importantly taking on new challenges for myself. In taking on the task of doing my first figure competition I was jacked. So pumped that being the human that I am with my idiosyncrasy I jumped in, (ALL IN) tunnel vision so locked in that I locked reality out not even a wrecking ball could break down that wall. I was passionate, so passionate however that I became obsessive. I began to obsess over my body, critiquing, telling myself negative things, hating certain body parts when in the first place I was only trying to better myself physically and mentally not go the opposite direction. Training for me over time became a “chore” per say, something that wasn’t bringing me joy. Although not only training became a chore, eating certain foods and maintaining a specific diet became toxic. I grew to have a very unhealthy relationship with food. I was STARVING, and in my mind I figured well I already feel like shit guess I’ll eat this donut since I’m still going to feel like shit. Then…… began the negative thoughts the things I began to tell myself if written out would deter not only myself but all the new wonderful people in my life. Negativity started surrounding me like a slow toxic cloud that kept creeping in and I wasn’t able to block it out. I hated everything, I hated the thought of eating chicken anymore or egg whites. I hated the thought of lifting. It made me grow to become resentful or jealous of others who were on the same journey excelling. Who am I? What have I become? It was then that I decided competing this year is just not going to happen for me. So I withdrew, and you would think that a huge weight would be lifted off me and I would instantly be happier with this cloud that used to hang over me gone. I was wrong, this was just the beginning. I quit. I am a quitter, why did I quit? I should have just toughed it out. Did I make the right decision? What is everyone going to think of me. They are going to think, “I knew she wasn’t going to be able to do it anyways.” These were all the thoughts going through my mind. Do you know how exhausting it is to have this replay and replay like a broken record I could not shut it off. I had 2 weeks until the competition and I thought it just needs to be over with, and everything will be better after. I did not even go on social media the day of the competition because I still never forgave myself for quitting.
Okay, I know this is a lot of negativity so I’ll cut it short. All in all, this toxic game I was playing with myself was not helping me in the least. I am so thankful for the people surrounding me that had to deal with this behavior and still love me even when I was a bitch. It now has been almost 3 weeks since the competition and I’m finally getting back to me the NEW me. Negatively talking to yourself, hating everything, and losing passion is an awful thing to do for your soul, for your womanhood, I became someone I didn’t like, but I am happy to say that I have found peace and acceptance. I have been trying really hard to break all these bad habits.
Do you know how tough it is to break a habit? Look at people who smoke, or alcoholics. It takes years! If not some serious treatment to break a bad habit. I have learned that it only multiplies in dealing with the mind. The mind is a powerful thing, so smart and amazing that you can program it to do WHATEVER YOU WANT. I have finally taken back control of my life. I am choosing happiness and positivity. Although I didn’t make it to this competition I have come to forgive myself and say there’s always next year. I have learned I need to still work on my mind, breaking bad habits, unlearn learned behaviors. All of these things aren’t right up front exposed and warned about once a woman wants to start competing. If you are not right in your mind, hell will potentially break loose. (as it did in mine)
I wanted to write this because I have learned from this experience that having a balanced life socially, physically, emotionally, with anyone and everyone especially yourself is so important especially to this girl. I have chosen to no longer have an ill relationship with food. I know how to nourish my temple, but if I want a freaking donut I’m going to eat that donut enjoy that donut and accept that donut. I want to have the maximum energy that my body can provide me, not feel drained and so exhausted I have to muster up all my energy just to simply laugh. It was a painful experience, but from what I’ve learned without pain or struggle there is no growth. I do not want to be just a person who made it through life worked my job and was content with everything. Although this is not a bad thing, I choose to ROCK my life, LIVE at the highest frequency I can omit. I want to LOVE my job; LOVE my life and experience all the awesome things mother earth has to offer us. I refuse to take it all for granted. At the end of my life I want everyone to know that I really LIVED in hopes that I have touched someone enough to pass that on if not on my journey, there’s nothing worse than just making it through. I suggest you go out and give it all you got, tomorrow is not promised so take today and RUN with it!!
Until next time
Much love and happiness ❤
Operation Live Healthy